Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Barbie does the National Capital Region

This showed up in my inbox and was too good not to share. Of course it'll be funnier for the locals who read it.

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Ottawa market

Orleans Barbie

This princess Barbie is sold only at the St. Laurent Centre . She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Mignon and a designer kitchen. Available with or without boob job, tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the boob job version.
Barrhaven Barbie

The modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Dodge Caravan minivan and matching Lululemon yoga outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

Arnprior Barbie

This recently-paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a lo-rider Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ... unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.
Westboro Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Stittsville Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Old Navy jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Rockcliffe Barbie

This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.

Kemptville Barbie

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Cougar Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home and a Skidoo.

Glebe Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Vanier Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Mount Tremblant Barbie

She's perfect in every way. Ken has a condo in downtown Ottawa and visits on the weekends.

I'm still waiting for Byward Market Barbie, who comes with a sleazy clubbing microdress, a handstamp from Helsinki Lounge, a tequila shooter, and a 3 a.m. shawarma.


  1. A hummer in westboro, they're too environmentally conscious... and why is it that subaru wagons are the 'lesbian' car?
    The vanier one did it for me ;-)

  2. I just posted it. I agree *joins in with stereotyping* that a Prius would have been better than a Hummer for Westboro, but I didn't write it. Ditto for the Subaru. My fave was Barrhaven..

  3. What an awesome post! I will tweet it right now!

    By the way... the "Kanata" one... where does it fit?

  4. So true about the Subaru Outbacks!

  5. Oh, I was waiting for the Kanata and Nepean ones, as those are the only burbs I can remember from when I visited.

  6. Not sure why your favourite was Barrhaven. I live in Barrhaven and no one I know wears Lululemon. Something about how we're too far away to even know about Lululemon might have been funnier. I do, however, get lost fairly easily, but that was true before I lived in Barrhaven.

  7. Also, I never talk on my cellphone while driving. In fact, my cellphone is almost invariably dead when I try to use it. Guess I'll have to move.

  8. Guillermo - thanks! I don't know about Kanata. I'm throwing my comments open for someone to describe what a Kanata Barbie would look like. All submissions are welcome.

    Briana - Really? The only people I know with a Subaru Outback wagon are my not-same-sex married neighbours.

    Strictly - See answer to Guillermo regarding Kanata Barbie, and if you'd like to try your hand at Nepean Barbie, knock yourself out. Personally, I'd like to see your description of Maryhill Barbie, lol.

    Biblio - I liked the Barrhaven one because I have a friend living there and so it makes me laugh. So I'd hold off on the moving if I were you. And if you do move? Avoid Arnprior.

  9. Hilarious!
    Here's a suggestion for Alta Vista Barbie.
    Drives a Hummer.
    Alta Vista Barbie comes with her very own high end tool belt and designer work clothes. These come in handy when she drops a half million on 50 year old bungalows in order to tear them down and replace them with a 10,000 sq. ft. palaces.
    Ken is a well connected real estate agent who seeks out these treasures for enterprising partner.

  10. Aylmer Barbie:

    Comes with string of ex-Kens and a lot of government baby bonus for her multitude of children, as well as a set of beer-stained AA pamphlets she uses as coasters. Doesn't drive, but comes with a thumb that can move into the upright position for advantageous hitchhiking sessions. Speaks not a word of french but celebrates Saint Jean in her daisy dukes.

  11. John and Maven - Oooooo, good ones. I bow to your creativity.

    Maven - Does she come with see-through plastic stilettos to wear with the daisy dukes, you know, for grocery shopping?

  12. I haven't lived here long enough to be that familiar with all the boroughs, but it's still funny

  13. Anonymous5:00 PM

    I think the Orleans Barbie has moved to Stittsville....I'm pretty sure THAT Stittsville Barbie moved to Arnprior, Richmond or Carleton Place when the houses in Stittsville got too expensive...Of course I've only been here for 3 years so maybe back in the day before the average house was 500 grand give or take...

  14. hahahha, nice one. Going to copy this.
    Vanier one is great.

  15. I saw this version done for our area and it was hilariously dead on:)

  16. Okay, new day, sorry for being bitchy and humourless. You know how some days this type of thing is hysterically funny and some days you just think "oh Christ, even some broad who makes Barbies thinks my life isn't worth living"? No? maybe it's just me.

  17. Antynorton7:26 PM

    Loved it! Made me laugh out loud.
    (a subaru driver, yes, the one across the street, Alison!)

  18. XUP - I loved it too, that's why I posted it. I wish I could claim I made it up.

    Anonymous - I think that today's Stittsville Barbie is a cross between Barrhaven Barbie and Orleans Barbie, but that's just the impression I get when shopping at Brown's Independent.

    Daddy Doe - The Vanier one is funny. Thanks for stopping by.

    Josie - I think these things are universal. There's probable a
    Left Bank Barbie in the Paris version.

    Biblio - Oh, I've had those days.

    Antynorton - Hey I'm waving out my living room window. Can you see me? And you'll have to explain the name.

  19. Antynorton8:50 AM

    Yes, I see you. Shouldn't you be working instead of waving out the window? LOL!

  20. Loveeely to have so many options:-
    Do they sell that many options of ken too. The one who flirts even when barbie is at his side, the one who doesn't wash his jeans etc etc?

  21. That was hilarious!!! I loved the Vanier one and Kemptville.

  22. I love these barbies. I saw them recently but from different cities. Soo funny!

  23. have your stats gone up? been circulating this like crazy ot my friends in the mentioned hoods. hilarious!

  24. Anonymous3:40 PM

    Not sure about orleans. When I grew up there, it was families and civil servants. Nothing "cool" whatsoever. Glebe one is ok, tho I wouldn't mix hippies and gay community. Gay community is more uptown. Westboro definitely all about the Subarus and outdoor/yoga stores.