Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Evil ninja assassin cat

Good morning, Large One. Your calves look especially juicy sticking out of your bath robe this morning. I may look as though I'm sitting here grooming myself, but really I am only counting the seconds and calculating the trajectory before I launch myself at you, pin you around the knee with my front paws and sink my fangs into the sweet, sweet flesh of your leg. Iams kitten food cannot begin to compare with the taste of fresh-caught limb. (But two words, Large One: razor. blade. I don't know whether to bite your leg or groom it. Seriously.)

Yes, Large One, now that you have finished subjecting yourself to the vile and unspeakable water spray, go and get Loud One and One Whose Hair I Like to Chew up from their nests. I need more prey.

I am the the mighty hunter. I am Death made flesh. I stalk my victims through this house and no-one is safe from my wrath. The small toy horses with the intoxicating hair do not please me with screams when I put my ears back and chase them, as your skin kittens do. My thirst for blood and destruction (and the Kim Possible action figure) shall be indulged.

Behold the flayed body of the oven mitt! Fear my anger, humans.

And get me a Pounce treat.

A tuna one.


  1. Oh my gosh, that is SO funny!

    But I'm not going to refer to you as Large One. :-)

  2. He's not even black. What a lame ninja cat.

    (and ouch! on the claws! and legs! OUCH I SAY)

  3. Claws? Around the legs?? OUCH!!!

    But this was ohhh too funny. I bow to you Large One :)

  4. Too funny.
    Sounds painful a times.

  5. He's actually really good about NOT using his claws. He just waits a couple of stairs down the staircase to the basement until I'm wandering sleepily around my kitchen in the morning fixing a cup of tea, only his eyes and ears visible (ninja ambush cat), then he bounds up the stairs, and wraps his front legs around my knee (without the claws) and bites me (mostly gently) on the calf, and then runs off.

    I'm used to it now. It can still freak the girls out though.

  6. Anonymous8:00 AM

    skin kittens? laughing SO hard right now...

  7. *snort*

    You had me at "Good morning, Large One."

  8. LOL, I needed this laugh! I can so picture this happening. What a mischevious furry one you have Large One!

    Mazoe like to knock the girls over in the yard and then stand on their stomachs and lick their face. It is such a Marmaduke cartoon! He is a good 80lbs too so the girls aren't impressed.

  9. We need to arrange a play-date between our two mighty hunter biters. They can go at it with each other and get it out of their systems. I'm actually thinking of getting a dog so the cat will have something to attack besides us. How crazy is that?

  10. "don't know whether to bite your leg or groom it"...LOL!!!!!!!!

  11. He must be related to the cat that lives here and likes to lurk under the bed--the better to give me my daily heart attack as it attacks my toes as I make the bed.

    One would think I would remember from day to day, but sadly, no.

  12. Ninja cats fits purrfectly curled up in that sink. And so patient in your girl's arms-though I do detect a certain "when is she going to put me down?" vibe.

  13. You should hear what my dog says about me. I call him Satan's Familiar. Hmmmm . . . . .

  14. "I am the the mighty hunter. I am Death made flesh."

    This whole post is frickin hysterical! Thanks for the laugh. I need to get me some cats ...