To whom it may concern, 2012 edition

It's that time again, more passive-aggressive letters from Party of 3:

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Dear man behind me in line at the grocery check-out,


Sighing loudly and checking your watch ostentatiously because I'm holding up the line by letting my child buy a chocolate bar with her own money, which she is counting out slowly as it's nickels, dimes, and quarters, doesn't make me move any faster.


But it does make you look like an asshole.


Namaste,

Alison

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Dear Hydro One,


Yes, I *do* have a problem with the planned power outage that I got a prerecorded phone message about.  A blackout from midnight Saturday to noon Sunday.  Really.  Really?  You couldn't plan an outage on, say, a Tuesday from 9.am. to 4 p.m., when everyone is at work ? No? Of course not, because that would MAKE SENSE.


Cordially, Face-palming at your stupidity,


Alison

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Dear lady at the wedding reception,


There is a difference between a capon and a caper.  What you had on your cracker, nestled up against the smoked salmon and creme fraiche, were capers.  Trust me on this.  A capon is a chicken.  And maybe I shouldn't have corrected you, even though I did politely say, "I think you mean capers" when you said, "I love the taste of the capons with the salmon".  But insisting that you were right when you obviously weren't and I when I had already dropped the subject, that's social fail.


And your hat looked stupid too.


Warm regards,


Alison

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Dear Evil Ninja Assassin Cat,


Please fill out the following short survey and return at your earliest convenience:


1. Complete the sentence: Alison's toes are


a) edible.
b) actually small rodents.
c) attached to the feet of the person who feeds you and would like to stretch her feet out to the bottom of the bed when she finally gets into bed at the end of a long day to relax with a book or maybe an episode of C.S.I. on dvd and not worry that her toes will be punctured and shredded by your sneak attacks and has to curl up in an awkward ball which is SO. NOT. COMFORTABLE.


2. Which place would Alison prefer that you give yourself a tongue bath?


a) On Alison's chest while she's lying in bed reading, blocking her view of her book, but making up for that by giving her an up-close-and-personal glimpse of where your testicles used to be.
b) On the clean, folded laundry in the laundry basket.
c) Outside.


(OK, that was a trick question.  Folded laundry in the basket? As if.)


3.  Which of the following things are you allowed to bite?


a) Alison's arm, at random and unpredictable times.
b) Angus, especially his bum.
c) Toy mice, yarn balls, tennis balls, spiders, cat treats, guys who come to the door with clipboards and try to trick you into buying a water heater.


Thanks in advance for your co-operation,


Alison


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Dear Leah and Rachel,


Towels, especially wet towels, do not belong on the living room floor.  Keep this up and I'll make you dry yourselves off after showers using kleenex.  And not the good, two-ply kind with the lotion, either.  They'll be the cheap, no-name brand that won't soak up any water, but just cover you with little sodden kleenex balls.  And heaven help you if you leave *those* lying around on the living room floor.


I mean it.


Your mother.

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Dear person who invented wine,


I love you.  That is all.


Devotedly,


Alison

Onslaught of the Henchkitten

Hello, Large One.

My training of the Henchkitten proceeds apace. He is an inspired student and has absorbed my knowledge well.

The day of his first solo attack is here. I have unleashed him to lay waste to those papers you concentrate on so strongly.

Make me proud, Grasshopper.

Your pen will not survive.

Son of the Evil Ninja Assassin Cat

Good evening, Large One.

I cannot believe you have made such a mis-step, such a mistake. In all the years of our warfare you have proved a worthy opponent. But no more.

Did you really think that bringing another Superior Being into the household would tame me? Did you think that another of my ilk would render me soft and playful? Ha! I laugh at that idea.

You have provided me with a henchkitten, and together we will. destroy. your. world.

Sure, he looks innocuous and sweet:


But I shall train him. He shall be my disciple in all the unholy arts.

We shall eat together:

And rest together:

I shall teach him the arcane and mysterious feline martial arts:

I shall school him in the occult mysteries of mind melding and thought transfer:


And then I shall turn him loose to wreak havoc on your paltry human lives!

He will shed all over your favourite chair:


He will steal your identity and demolish your credit rating! (And order lots of canned tuna online.)

He will bite all the buttons off your duvet cover!


And shred the blankie of Loud One!

Anarchy and mayhem shall follow you all the days of your life!

The Evil Ninja Assassin Cat and the Henchkitten will be obeyed!

Or you shall suffer the consequences.

Hero/Sidekick

Batman and Robin

Lucy and Ethel

Timmy and Lassie

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy


Evil Ninja Assassin Cat and Henchkitten

Lair of the evil ninja assassin cat

I am ignoring you, Large One.

You have no respect for my majesty. You do not respect the killing edge of my fangs. You do not respect the razor kiss of my claws. You pick me up and toy with me as if I weren't the manifestation of bloody death. You shall pay. Oh, you shall pay.

You think I'll overlook the many wounds to my dignity simply because you bring me a terrain de jeu...a play structure...a cat tree? Surely you jest. My disdain knows no bounds and words cannot convey my sarcasm.


I will not lower myself to set paw on this.....this....abomination.


Though it is plushy and soft. And it has many enticing levels where one may keep an eye on one's prey.


And the small fur mouse is intriguing.

I will ignore it totally!

Yes. Totally!




Except it has a mousie.



And a lair! I've always wanted a lair, it befits my assassin role. No one can see me in here. I shall swoop out and inflict death from above. Fear me, mortals!



And the rope thingie. To practice my martial arts and improve my lightning reflexes.

Alright, human, I shall accept your paltry gift.

Behold! The lair of the evil ninja assassin cat!

(Thank you, Natalie, the ENAC loves his cat tree - Alison)

Attack of the Evil Ninja Assassin Cat

Hello, Large One.

You cannot see me, yet I can sense where you are, helpless prey to my evil ninja skills. I am the fog and the shadows and the darkness. I have concealed myself in plain sight, and you will not know from whence Death comes.

I have clouded your consciousness with my ninja mind powers. I have set my trap skillfully, lying in wait with infinite patience for you and the sweet, sweet flavour of human flesh.

My fangs will taste blood this night.

Sleepover Productions, in association with Evil Ninja Assassin Cat Films, presents Star Wars Episode VII: In the Lair of Maxie the Hutt

Starring:

the Evil Ninja Assassin Cat as Maxie the Hutt

Star Wars action figures as themselves

Filmed by Leah

Directed by Alice and Leah

Story by Leah and Alice

Voices by Alice and Leah

Editing and Post-production by Mum (aka alison)

(Note: in some browsers, the right-hand edge of the movie screen is cut off. To see the film without it being cut off, click on the words 'Youtube" in the lower right-hand corner of the movie screen.)

Return of the evil ninja assassin cat

Morning greetings, Large One. I see you and your skin kittens feeding at the table. I spurn your meal. It is a meal fit only for humans. Toasted bread and brown sticky spread from nuts that grow underground. Pah! I spit on your meal. (I mean, if my mighty death-dealing jaws were able to spit, I'd spit on your meal.)

Not for you are the tasty flayed carcasses of mice, or the heady intoxication of bacon 'n' liver dinner fresh from the can. Not for you is the cool fresh water lapped from the large white bowl in the room where the skin kittens immerse themselves in vile baths. Not for you are the.......wait.....I smell milk! Ah milk, sweet nectar of the feline gods, second only to the warm, salty tang of blood from still-twitching prey.

I am the evil ninja assassin cat! I. Will. Have. Your. Milk.

I will use all my ninja skills. I will use my stealth and my grace to perform such acrobatics as are necessary to acquire the milk that should, nay must, be mine! You dull humans will not even see me as I impersonate the shadows and the darkness to liberate that which should by rights belong to the superior being in this household.

It begins.

Holiday Homes Tour 2008 (I'm in it for the kettle corn)

When Jen first suggested that we throw a virtual open house to show off our Christmas decorating, I was a bit dubious, but threats gentle persuasion worked, so, please, come on in and help yourself to some virtual eggnog and virtual Christmas cookies. They're very good.

First, here is the external decor:


I'd like to say I'm responsible for the lovely snowy look, but I have to give credit to my exterior decorators. Perhaps you've heard of them: Mother Nature and Old Man Winter?

Wait, I did do the elf on the door:

Come on in. Now we're in the front hall and looking at the bookcase, which is usually in the living room, but makes its annual pilgrimage to the hall to make way for the tree. These stuffed animal ornaments are usually hung on the tree, but it's a smaller tree this year, so they are sitting up here to greet guests.

(Sorry for the darkness of the photos, I was taking them without the flash, as the flash was making everything look all washed out. Photography is not one of my many talents. Unlike, say, Microsoft Paint.)

Here is where the stockings hang:

Yeah, my colour palette in the living room is more suited to Halloween than Christmas, but what are you gonna do? Here are some close ups of things on the mantle.

The Nativity Scene. As is traditional around here, one of the shepherds needed his feet glued on again.

Here is my Mexican Nativity Scene, a Christmas gift from my friend Evelyn when we were in San Diego together. I love that it has a llama in it.


Here is the Christmas village my mum gave me this summer:



And finally, the tree:



So, thank you all for coming, it was lovely to have you over. Don't forget your gloves, it's cold out there. Bye!

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Die, tiny ceramic humans! Feel the sting of my paw! I will bat you all over the edge of the abyss! I will crush the one you call Claus beneath the raw power of my glutes. Bring me tuna or face the annihilation of all you hold precious.

(Merry Christmas from the Evil Ninja Assassin Cat.)

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Head on over to Jen's for links to other blogs holding open houses today.

Revenge of the evil ninja assassin cat

I see you, Large One, bent over that machine on the desk, tapping away with fingers that move like a wounded mouse. But you do not see me. I am the evil ninja assassin cat. I move like the wind, like the darkness, and you are as helpless as a My Little Pony before me.

Your skin kittens are sleeping in their nests and will be unable to save you. You will pay for your crimes. Never again will you remove me from my rightful place on the kitchen counter or deny me the milk left in the skin kittens' mugs on the dining room table. Never again will you spray me with the unspeakable water bottle when I deign to favour your couch with the razor touch of my claws.

I will no longer eat a bowl of dry crunchies on the kitchen floor while you open that fishy deliciousness that comes in cans and mix it with foul mayonnaise on slices of bread for yourself. Your time has come. I will chew your entrails.

See how carefully I have followed you to the basement and chosen my vantage point to pounce?

Make peace with your God.