Wednesday, May 23, 2012

To whom it may concern, 2012 edition

It's that time again, more passive-aggressive letters from Party of 3:

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Dear man behind me in line at the grocery check-out,


Sighing loudly and checking your watch ostentatiously because I'm holding up the line by letting my child buy a chocolate bar with her own money, which she is counting out slowly as it's nickels, dimes, and quarters, doesn't make me move any faster.


But it does make you look like an asshole.


Namaste,

Alison

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Dear Hydro One,


Yes, I *do* have a problem with the planned power outage that I got a prerecorded phone message about.  A blackout from midnight Saturday to noon Sunday.  Really.  Really?  You couldn't plan an outage on, say, a Tuesday from 9.am. to 4 p.m., when everyone is at work ? No? Of course not, because that would MAKE SENSE.


Cordially, Face-palming at your stupidity,


Alison

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Dear lady at the wedding reception,


There is a difference between a capon and a caper.  What you had on your cracker, nestled up against the smoked salmon and creme fraiche, were capers.  Trust me on this.  A capon is a chicken.  And maybe I shouldn't have corrected you, even though I did politely say, "I think you mean capers" when you said, "I love the taste of the capons with the salmon".  But insisting that you were right when you obviously weren't and I when I had already dropped the subject, that's social fail.


And your hat looked stupid too.


Warm regards,


Alison

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Dear Evil Ninja Assassin Cat,


Please fill out the following short survey and return at your earliest convenience:


1. Complete the sentence: Alison's toes are


a) edible.
b) actually small rodents.
c) attached to the feet of the person who feeds you and would like to stretch her feet out to the bottom of the bed when she finally gets into bed at the end of a long day to relax with a book or maybe an episode of C.S.I. on dvd and not worry that her toes will be punctured and shredded by your sneak attacks and has to curl up in an awkward ball which is SO. NOT. COMFORTABLE.


2. Which place would Alison prefer that you give yourself a tongue bath?


a) On Alison's chest while she's lying in bed reading, blocking her view of her book, but making up for that by giving her an up-close-and-personal glimpse of where your testicles used to be.
b) On the clean, folded laundry in the laundry basket.
c) Outside.


(OK, that was a trick question.  Folded laundry in the basket? As if.)


3.  Which of the following things are you allowed to bite?


a) Alison's arm, at random and unpredictable times.
b) Angus, especially his bum.
c) Toy mice, yarn balls, tennis balls, spiders, cat treats, guys who come to the door with clipboards and try to trick you into buying a water heater.


Thanks in advance for your co-operation,


Alison


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Dear Leah and Rachel,


Towels, especially wet towels, do not belong on the living room floor.  Keep this up and I'll make you dry yourselves off after showers using kleenex.  And not the good, two-ply kind with the lotion, either.  They'll be the cheap, no-name brand that won't soak up any water, but just cover you with little sodden kleenex balls.  And heaven help you if you leave *those* lying around on the living room floor.


I mean it.


Your mother.

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Dear person who invented wine,


I love you.  That is all.


Devotedly,


Alison

18 comments:

  1. Thank you for the first laugh of the day.

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  2. I love them all and can most defintely relate to the one to your ninja cat. I rolled with laughter at the one to your daughters. Thanks for the much needed laugh!!

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  3. Jen on the Edge sent me here and oh my, you're in my RSS feed now! I puffy heart the post and pass you the wine. Maybe with a Scotch chaser.

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  4. A good laugh and a good idea! I can see writing some letters in my future :-)

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  5. According to my offspring, towels are subject to a special form of gravity all of their own. They gravitate to the lowest surface available. It's science.

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  6. Love those. And as for the last one,we're very much on the same page.

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  7. Oops, forgot to add:

    Except I'd add Tequila and Vodka to the list.

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  8. Jen - glad to be of service!

    Andrea - You're welcome. Thank YOU for commenting. I love comments.

    Pretty things (Lori?) - Aw shucks. And I'll take you up on the Scotch chaser. Definitely.

    Loth - It might be gravity, but it can be overcome with the judicious use of towel bars.

    Jazz - I'll drink to that! (hic.)

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  9. Oops, I missed Cassi. Cassi, I would LOVE to read your letters. Post some soon!!

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  10. Anonymous4:56 PM

    Lurker delurking here. You are TOO funny!!! I love your posts especially this one!!!! You made me laugh and boy can I relate :)

    Ann

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  11. Ann - THANK YOU for delurking! And thanks for the kind words. Drop in anytime and leave a comment.

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  12. Thank you so much.
    I'm just recovering from some strange and unknown (but probably not terminal) illness, and your psot gave me the first laugh since I decended to the "bed of illness"

    I'm becoming a follower, posts as good as this are not to be missed.

    Thanks again.

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  13. Anonymous7:59 PM

    I am convinced my children purposefully get their towels as wet as possible in an underhanded attempt to warp the wood floors in their bedroom so they can get the plush carpet that they are so deprived of.

    Great post!

    Sara

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  14. Dear Alison:
    Thank you for the funny blog post.
    You made me laugh out loud.
    Loved it.
    Clippy Mat :-)

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  15. GinnyDC1:31 PM

    I found your blog from your comment from Derfwad Manor (hope that's not too stalkerish!) but I think you'll rock at BOLO! Hilarious :-)

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  16. Dear Clippy Mat,

    So nice to see you again. Stop by anytime.

    Sincerely,

    Alison

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  17. Ginny - Welcome aboard!! Not too stalkerish at all. Thank you for the kind words. I love Derfwad Manor and Mrs. G. Any and all Derfwads are welcome at Party of 3.

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  18. TSB - So sorry to hear you've been ill. I'm glad if making you laugh was a help. Sleep and scotch seem to be a good Rx. Hope you're up and about again soon.

    Sara - That's very devious of them. Is it working??

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