Thursday, January 22, 2009

To whom it may concern, I am grumpy

Dear Rogers Mobility guy,

While I appreciate that it wasn't the dinner hour when you called to offer me an amazing deal on a phone that can take pictures, surf the web and play all my favourite music, I am still not interested. I already own a digital camera, a computer, and an MP3 player to do these things for me. I also own a cell phone that I'm very happy with. And though I can tell that you think that it's really important that I sign up for a plan that will allow me unlimited talk, text and surfing on this really neato phone for only a gajillion dollars a month, please believe me (or at least pretend to believe me) when I tell you that I don't even have my cell phone turned on most of the time and only use it to let my babysitter know when I'm running late, or to order pizza from my car on the way home from work on Thursdays, and don't keep trying to sell the damn thing to me anyway. That's how people get hung up on.

Sincerely,

Alison

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Dear shuffle function on my MP3 player,

Lining up Billy Idol's "Hot in the City", Jane Siberry's "Mimi on the Beach" and Don Henley's "Boys of Summer" one after the other during the 10-minute walk from my office to the church where I park my car in a minus-freaking-twenty-degree wind chill is just adding insult to injury. Seriously, cut it out.

Cheers,

Alison


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Dear 1985,

I'd like my boobs back. You know, the perky ones that I had before I birthed and breastfed two babies? Yeah, those ones. I really miss them. I'm tired of the ones I have now -- they sometimes get caught in the waistband of my jeans if I forget to tuck my tee shirt in when I go bra-less around the house. Oh, and if you see my waistline around there anywhere, I'd like that back too.

Thanks,

Alison

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Dear National Arts Centre subscription sales lady,

Just because I took Leah once to see the Nutcracker in 2005, doesn't mean that I am a ballet fanatic who will shell out big bucks to see ballet on a regular basis. Quit. Calling. Me.

Disgruntledly,

Alison

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Dear winter,

You suck.

Fondly,

Alison


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Dear Zellers,

I realize that it isn't your fault that the strap on Rachel's snow boot broke today. They are hand-me-downs from her big sister and have seen hard use. But it's January. In Ottawa. I expect to be able to buy a pair of snow boots for my kid in January in Ottawa. But what did I find when I went to your store this evening? Rain boots and splash pants. Rain boots and freaking splash pants. Perhaps you remember last Easter, when we still had 3 feet of snow on the ground? This shit might fly down in South Carolina, but we won't be needing the rain boots and splash pants around here until at least freaking April, and it was only through sheer dumb luck that we found one pair of size 2 snow boots in a clearance bin. Seriously. Give your head a shake. It's winter, people.

Yours in Christ,

Alison

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Dear snowplow driver,

I don't know how, or when, but someday I am going to find out where you live and then dump 6582 cubic metres of snow in your driveway.

Cordially,

Alison

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Dear Carp Ridge deer,

Leave my cedar hedge alone, or I'll sic the evil ninja assassin cat on you. I mean it.

Sincerely,

The mean lady who throws tennis balls at you while you are eating



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18 comments:

  1. wow - you ARE grumpy! But funny too.

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  2. haha very entertaining ! hope today goes better for you !

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  3. Oh no!
    You know the NAC people confuse me. They called me to offer me season tickets to the symphony. I asked her why me? English theatre might be more my speed. Turns out I'd purchase Great Big Sea tickets in 2003...

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  4. yikes. steering clear of you this week. i'm sure i would screw up somehow and piss you off.

    edie needed new boots too - Loblaws, Joe's line, on clearance, $6 for a pair of decent winter boots.

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  5. Good to see you catching up on your correspondence.

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  6. "Yours in Christ" -- That made me laugh harder than anything else.

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  7. That was the laugh I needed today! I'm grumpy too, but not so creative, can you let the "fog horn boat" recorded telemarketers know that I registered for the do not call list?

    Thanks!

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  8. Alison - that was downright poetic.

    I enjoyed every moment:-)

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  9. you kill me. but you can sign my name to most of those. especially the winter and zellers one.

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  10. Acck! What I day!

    My favourites were to 1985 and snowplow driver.

    And - I was looking for kids gloves last winter, and not ONE store had any in February. All gone. They told me not to expect any for an eternity. I wondered what other parents did when their kid mutilated/lost/threw out their current gloves.

    Daisy

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  11. that a girl...way to go. good on them all, every last one of them. i'm grumpy too.

    p.s. alison, where do you work I(write me off line if you like). some of our office staff park at a church too!?

    curious now..

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  12. Saying things like "I appreciate" and "I realize it isn't your fault" simply won't do when your grumpy.

    Those things may be true, but to really feel a release you have to blame random things on other people! Screw them! Have no shame in just blaming people at will! It's freeing!

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  13. LOL - oh man, you are hilarious! My "Dear So and So" letters are never this funny! I'm way too long winded :)

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  14. LOL, I hope that relieved some stress for you, because it did for me! I am so with you on the Dear Winter, You SUCK!

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  15. Man, either you have really high pants or really droopy boobs. But seriously, Alison, who need perky breast when you have a genius wit?

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  16. Dear Alison:

    You totally rock. I wish I'd known you when the National Post called me telling me I should subscribe to them since I got the Citizen and I said two papers a day is just too much to read, and they said "well, we certainly don't expect you to READ them both"..... ???

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  17. Grumpy Alison=funny Alison :-)

    I went looking for a long sleeved t-shirt for Nicky yesterday, and they no longer exist. No winter coats, either. Everything is short sleeved and made for warmer weather. I know this isn't Canada or anything, but it's still COLD.

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  18. Thank you for this post! What a clever way to let off some steam! i might have to 'steal' the idea from you - though i'm afraid i would never be as funny!!

    huggles

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