Wednesday, May 27, 2009

CSI: Carp



WARNING: This blog post may be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.

I saw a familiar figure skulking in the hedge that separates the front yard from the back yard tonight when we drove home from soccer practice. A raccoon. You don't usually see raccoons out when it's still daylight, but maybe this guy was getting a jump on all the other raccoons by heading out early to find some grub. Or grubs. (Note to critter: Dig up my lawn again, and you're toast. I don't care how cute and fuzzy you are.)

It reminded me of the last time I'd seen a raccoon up and about in the daytime -- it was a couple of years ago, during the summer....

[Cue wavy scene dissolving to signify going back in time]

There are some things you shouldn't have to deal with before you've had your first coffee in the morning. Like dead raccoons.

The previous night, Rae was in bed but Leah was still up. The sliding glass door in the kitchen was open but the screen was closed. Elvis [Max's predecessor] was hissing at something through the screen so I went and looked and there was a raccoon on the deck. I called to Leah and she got a glimpse of it before it ran off. I figured it could smell Elvis's cat food (I feed him next to the back door) so I closed the glass door. Leah was all excited -- "A raccoon! We can call him Ricky!"

I got up late the next morning -- summer vacation -- and I opened the curtain over the sliding door to check the temp on the thermometer outside, and there, right on the doormat on the deck outside the door is the raccoon. And it's dead. Paws-in-the-air, no-longer-breathing. Dead. (We can call him Stiffy!)

Oh crap, I hadn't even had coffee yet, and I had to get rid of the body before the girls woke up, I didn't want them to see it. Oh the drama if they saw the cute little forest creature tits-up on the back deck. (Yuck.) And the clock was ticking. The girls don't usually sleep in that late. So I put on some rubber gloves and went outside. It was a lot heavier than it looked. Stiffer, too. I couldn't see any signs of trauma, maybe it had been poisoned or just decided to have a garbage-overdose coronary at my back door. I bagged it up in a couple of garbage bags and an IKEA bag (Dear IKEA, thanks for making such strong plastic bags. Did you know that they are exactly the right size to hold a dead raccoon? I didn't think so. They are truly a superior product. Sincerely, a grateful customer.) and then I threw out the gloves and the mat and washed my hands about 18 times.

Luckily it was garbage pick-up day, so I was spared the awfulness of a raccoon festering in the garbage can in the garage for a week. The day got better from then on...well, really it would have to, wouldn't it?

As I drank my post-raccoon-disposal coffee, I started thinking about the fact that I had found an actual dead body. Sure, it was an animal, but it made me think about all those detective novels that open with some poor peripheral character stumbling over a body. Not to mention the crime dramas on TV. The place I live in is a pretty sleepy little village, so a dead raccoon is about the extent of the excitement we get around here (not that I'm complaining). My freshly caffeinated thoughts started wandering and imagining, yes, you guessed it -- CSI: Carp.

[Cue another wavy dissolve with harp arpeggios to signify imaginary sequence]

From Jerry Bruckheimer, the producer of CSI, CSI: New York, and CSI: Miami, comes an exciting new show, CSI: Carp.

[Show opens with a pounding drum beat accompanying a montage of arial shots of Carp -- the fairgrounds with the iconic red rotunda of the farmer's market building, the soccer field, the cows grazing on the field on top of the Diefenbunker -- ending with Alison's back deck.]

Horatio Caine stands there with Eric Delko and Calleigh Duquesne. Alexx Woods is kneeling down about to lift a dead raccoon onto a gurney. Alison, a tall, willowy, blonde knockout (Shut up. It's my imaginary show, I can look however I want) is leaning against the deck railing, looking distraught. Gorgeous, but distraught.

Horatio [taking off his shades, polishing them, putting them back on, brooding a bit while staring at the body, then turning to Eric and Calleigh]: What do we have here?

Eric: Hi 'H'. Not sure yet. Not a lot of blood at the scene, we think it's a dump job.

Calleigh: The homeowner, Alison, found it this morning when she woke up. [Alison nods wanly, but gorgeously, in response] We're canvassing the neighbours, but the raccoon could have been here overnight.

Horatio [standing sideways and taking off his sunglasses]: Alexx, any ideas on cause of death?

Alexx: Well, there's soil on his paws and a half-eaten grub in his mouth. And there are some marks on his head that look like the tines of a rake. It looks like this poor baby was eating some grubs he'd dug up from the lawn, when someone chased him up on the deck and hit him with a rake. Horatio, who could do this to a poor, sweet raccoon? [Camera pans to Alison, who looks shifty. Gorgeous, but shifty]

Horatio: Well, we'll just have to dig up an answer... [puts on sunglasses] ...the killer won't like.

[Horatio broods for a second and then theme music starts: The Who singing Pinball Wizard -- all the other good and possibly relevant Who songs having already been taken by the other CSI franchises]

***
I don't know. I think it could be must-see TV.

UPDATED: Full episode storyline posted due to one person asking popular demand. Click here for CSI: Carp -- "Mask of Death".

17 comments:

  1. LOL! This is a good post... I hope I do not have to deal with this in the future!

    By the way... You have to leave the "corps" in the garbage? There's no other way to dispose it? Something like a pest control number for the city or may be digging a hole somewhere... I cannot imagine the smell of a 1 week dead thing in my garage specially in summer!

    Looking fwd to more CSI: Carp!

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  2. two things:

    1) "tits up" is one of my most favourite expressions and i love you for using it;

    2) i did not realize you could put dead bodies in the garbage!

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  3. Guillermo and Meanie - Now I'm worried the sanitation people will be after me. It just didn't occur to me to do anything else. I had to get rid of the body and it was garbage day. If this happens again, I'll call the city for directions.

    Meanie - I like that expression too. It must come from growing up in Windsor, where mammary-related expressions were common.

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  4. You already are a tall, willowy, blonde knockout.

    I think your show is a winner and I'd totally break my TV ban to watch it.

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  5. Loved this post and can I just suggest that "Poaching Salmon at Gunpoint" would be a great episode title as well as being a comment that made me giggle till I lost control of my nether regions. Slightly.

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  6. Jen - Thank you. You're mistaken, but thank you anyway. And you could always wait til season one comes out on DVD.

    Loth - will take the suggested episode name under advisement. And your comment was very giggle-inducing too. Fortunately, my nether regions remained controlled.

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  7. Bill Walsh4:14 PM

    “Looks like Nature’s Bandit…"

    Puts on sunglasses

    “…got caught in the act.”

    YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

    “Seems our little ring-tail…"

    Puts on sunglasses

    “…got rung.”

    YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

    “The Germans call them wash-bears.”

    Puts on sunglasses

    “But this guy’s hosed.”

    YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

    I’m thinking CSI: Carp would then break into “Squeezebox.”

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  8. Jess - thanks!

    Bill - Have I told you lately how awesome you are? *Your* corny Horation introductory one-liners are *way* better than mine, though I did think the 'dig up an answer' was pretty good. And 'Squeezebox' does trump 'Pinball Wizard'.

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  9. Um, that would be 'Horatio introductory one-liners'.

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  10. The scary thing is, I'm pretty sure it's better than CSI New York.

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  11. Bill Walsh12:34 AM

    Al,

    Thank you! So glad it made you laugh. I hope I can get a spot on the CSI: Carp writing staff...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Antynorton8:44 AM

    No, Alison "Horation" is perfect.

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  13. Does Alex brush the lint dirt out of the corpse's eyes and then gaze lustily at him like she wants to climb on top of him then and there and do the nasty? Does Callie find some reason to shoot a gun and compare bullets? Does Horatio find some reason to shoot a gun and kill at least one person? Does the hot latino guy stand around looking hot and latino making the gorgeous blond suspect swoon and give up all her secrets which he will then use against her? I need closure here.

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  14. XUP - Oh, you'll get closure. Later today, or maybe tomorrow. Tune in....

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  15. Bill - Pitch me an episode over lunch, and we'll talk.

    Biblio - Sadly, it would be hard not to be better than CSI: New York.

    Antynorton - Yes, a new noun: Horation, a self-important monologue with a cheesy one-liner at the end and lots of sunglasses action.

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  16. HA! I don't even watch CSI: Miami and this is hilarious :D

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