Showing posts with label I am Canadian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I am Canadian. Show all posts

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Dispatches from the Arctic

Early January 2015:

It's cold. I mean really cold. Oh well, good excuse to hang out indoors and watch some Netflix. It's kinda nice to have to stay indoors and cocoon. Bring on the cold weather!! We love winter!!!!♥!!

Late February 2015:


It's a wonder we're all still sane. Or alive really. No one goes outside anymore unless they need to -- except the dog, and he has to pee fast or the stream will freeze up and stick him to the deck. We have to dress like this to go to work and school:


Even indoors we dress in more layers than a Winchester. We lurch around the house like Joey wearing all of Chandler's clothing. 


We are all pale and tired-eyed from too much TV. We have watched seven seasons of Friends, four seasons of The Walking Dead, and have nearly exhausted our Netflix show options. God help us, this is up next:

We are not only pale, we are dry and scaly and chapped. I am even tempted to take this guy up on his offer.


I gave up wearing makeup a couple of weeks ago. Walking into the frigid and never-ending polar winds getting from my car to my office turned my eyes into small crow's-footed Niagara Falls, and I'm damned if I'm going to let my tears wash off $5 worth of Yves Rocher every day.


Ottawa Catch-22: It's so cold the ice conditions on the Canal are perfect. It's so cold that anyone actually skating on the canal is quickly captured and placed on a 48-hour psych hold.


The days blur into each other. We get quite inordinately excited when the daily high goes up to -9, but our hopes are cruelly dashed when the windchill makes it feel like -22 anyway. We begin to wonder if this winter will ever end.


"Friends" post pictures of their tropical escape vacations online, or pictures of where they live their carefree snowless lives. 


We hates them. We hates them forever.


We descend into a scary hell of bad 1980s sit-coms and barely repressed profanity.  In fact, our feelings for winter can best be expressed like this. 


We no longer love winter. We wait patiently for Spring. Or death. Or the next season of House of Cards.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Going for it in Sochi

Well the Olympics are here again (yay!) and we are off to a good start, what with sisters Justine and Chloe Dufour-Lapointe winning gold and silver in moguls, and Charles Hamelin earning gold in 1500 metre short-track speed skating.

Not to mention Canadian feel-good stories like the speed skater who gave up his spot in the finals to a team-mate, who went on to win silver; and the cross-country coach who gave a ski to a Russian competitor who had broken his. 

At noon, I'll be at a memorial lunch for my friend Linda, who passed away during the last winter Olympics, and won't be checking in on our boys as they meet Norway in men's hockey, but my heart will be with them.  

This post, from the last Olympics in Vancouver, kind of sums up our feelings towards the Olympics and Olympic hockey in particular.

GO TEAM CANADA!

I'm not sure, I think they might be cheering for Slovakia
(originally posted February 21, 2010)

I wrote this blog last week, long before anyone knew that Canada's men's hockey team would be playing Slovakia in the semifinals. I was just looking for a country whose national colours are sort of similar to Canada's. You know, for comic effect. No one at our house is going to be cheering for Slovakia tonight. Really.

We've been watching a lot of Olympics at chez Party of 3.


It's been amazing. While we are cheering for Canada, of course, we have been blown away by the awe-inspiring performances of the Americans, the Swiss, the Germans, the Norwegians, and the Koreans, to name but a few.

It has been a dream come true to watch the best athletes from all over the world compete and win gold here in Canada.


But fair warning: when it comes to hockey, the women's and the men's, let us make one thing perfectly clear -- it's our game.



GO, CANADA, GO!!!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

And this is why I am not a photojournalist for Rolling Stone magazine

Well, first of all, because I hardly ever go to concerts.

And second of all, when I did go to a concert, last week, I drove up to the venue in a borrowed minivan full of children.  Actually, two of the children were borrowed as well. 

Not much rocker cred there.

Third of all, I didn't bring my camera, so the only pictures I could take with my Blackberry Curve 8520 that has no flash and about 0.0002 megapixels were....somewhat less than stellar.

So here you have Alan Frew, lead singer of Glass Tiger, doing an amazing acoustic set.  He's not only a great musician, but a really funny guy.  He's the whitish blob on the right of the stage.  The left-hand whitish blob is a guitarist.  Honest.

 
This is Tom Cochrane and Red Rider, still making audiences scream, rocking Scotiabank Place.  They are somewhere in the light.


Oh, this one's better.  Tom is the middle figure in black with the guitar, who appears to have no head.  I can attest that he does, in fact, have a head. 

I saw it.


Yeah, I know. Don't quit my day job.
 
It was Rae's first concert. After each song, she would clap and 'wooohoooo' like it was Lady Gaga up there. She was going wild. So I asked her, "Isn't this great?". She looked at me and shrugged and said, "Yeah, it's OK."  It was all about the screaming and clapping. That's my Rae.
 
Concert admission: free.  Parking: $8. Four Slurpees for the girls: $17. (Now I know why I never go to concerts, other than the whole 'not being a music photojournalist' thing.) Watching the girls listening to great Canadian 80s rock and new wave: priceless.  A week later hearing Rachel singing 'Sinking Like a Sunset' to herself: beyond priceless.
 
 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Things Canadians can do on Saturday nights during the NHL lockout

1. Deface pictures of Gary Bettman.
2. Not deface pictures of Donald Fehr.

(And if you think I'm being unfair blaming Bettman and the owners for the lockout, just remember that the owners caused the cancellation of the 2004-05 season to create this system (hard salary cap tied to league revenue) that they now say they can’t do business under. Bitch, please.)


3. Rent Bon Cop, Bad Cop and enjoy the zany, bilingual, hockey-themed, Lethal Weapon homage. 


Especially the scene where the cops kidnap the head of the hockey league, Harry Buttman (Get it? Buttman? Heh.), and stuff him in a hockey bag.


4. Go to the clearance section at Michael's or Wal-mart, buy the loudest yarn you can get, and start crocheting Don Cherry a new suit.




5. Debate the following: Whose mullet was more egregious -- Wayne Gretzky's or Jaromir Jagr's?




6. Drink beer and weep quietly.



Please feel free to suggest other possible Saturday night pursuits in the Comments section. 

Thank you.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The Dave Brown Traffic Report Drinking Game


My apologies to the  legions of  many six readers of this blog who live outside Ottawa, but this post will only make sense to people living in or around the nation's capital....if they listen to CBC Radio One on their way to work.

Drinking games are a long and honoured tradition.  From back at university when we'd watch Cheers and swig beer whenever anyone in the bar yelled "Norm!" to Facebook memes like this one:




I think we need a new one.

I have a radio crush on Dave Brown, who does the traffic reports for CBC Radio One in the mornings. Dave has fun with the traffic report.  I can't wait to hear the new ways he'll describe how traffic is moving. Or not, as the case may be.




So here it is:

The Dave Brown Traffic Report Drinking Game

Fill up your travel mug with a Timmie's double double, a Starbucks chai latte, a Bridgehead fair-trade Americano, or just the plain old coffee that comes out of your Procter-Silex, get in your car and get ready to play.  Turn your dial to 91.5 FM and make sure your mug is handy when the traffic report comes on.

Take a swig whenever he says:

- It's a tough sled on all the bridges.

- There's a collision on the go. (But really, Dave, we need to talk about this one -- it's an oxymoron.  When there's a collision, it's definitely on the stop.)

- And that's where the magic happens.

- 417 westbound is clogging up.

- Whenever he calls 'the Split' 'the Merge'.

- Eastbound 417 is packed to the gills.

- Keep your head on a swivel.

- Patience is a virtue. (while describing the bridges)

Take a large gulp whenever his prose gets extra-descriptive.  You know what I mean.  Examples of gulp-worthy lines:

- Highway 50 strikes a pose at Montée Paiement and vogues all the way down to la Vérendrye.

- The 417 westbound dashes from Boundary to Innes.

- Carling is all tangled up with pockets of congestion.

- The 174 is only a slight headache this morning, you'll only need one Advil or Tylenol.

- The 416 northbound is a tableau.  Not much go, but lots of stop.

- The 417 eastbound Usain Bolts out of Kanata.

- The 174 is in need of some flaxseed oil: it's backed up from Blair to the Split.

- Volume builds up through Kanata, reaches an apex at Bayshore, then deconstructs by Woodroffe.

- The 417 westbound is as thick as a bowl of chili coming up to Scotiabank Place.

- The Queensway stuffs up at Place d'Orleans, but you'll get relief by Innes.

- The 174 is in leather pants mode: tight as it approaches the Split.

You might need a bigger travel mug than usual.  I'm usually out of coffee before I get to Carling and Maitland. :)

******************************

If this catches on, we might need a return-commute All in a Day drinking game.  Beverage of your choice.

Sip every time:

- Alan Neal says he's posting something to Twitter.

- Laurence Wall says 'People's Republic of Nepean'.

- Kate Macnamara says 'at the minute'.

You get the idea. :)

Monday, September 19, 2011

Two countries separated by the same language

That quote, attributed to George Bernard Shaw (and sometimes to Oscar Wilde, people are arguing about this) was meant to refer to Britain and the U.S. But, in my experience, the same can be said for Canada and the U.S.

I was clearing out some old files on my computer and found this guest post that I contributed to a friend's blog some years ago. Alissa doesn't blog anymore, well except for her photo blog where she showcases her gorgeous Kentucky landscapes, sunsets, flowers and dogs, which is a shame. (The fact that she doesn't 'blog' blog anymore is a shame, not the fact that she takes beautiful pictures and shares them online.) So, I've dusted that post off and I'm posting it here.

(This may or may not have something to do with the fact that I'm having a bit of writer's block at the moment, and am dealing with the fall craziness of yard work, back-to-school, pool closing, firewood ordering, garage cleaning, cookie baking, etc., etc.)


Hi, I’m Alison, and I live in a small village just outside Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. Like Briana, who guest-posted last week, I ‘met’ Alissa online through a parenting forum and have known her for probably six years or so [more like 9 or 10 now - Alison]. It was her blog that first inspired me to start one of my own, so I’d like to take this opportunity to say “Thanks, Alissa!”

Internet friendships have added a lot of joy to my life. I’ve been blessed by a wonderful and group of women (and one man) from all over Canada and the U.S., and now new friends in Europe, Australia and New Zealand, reaching out and showing that the world is a pretty small place after all.

But for all our similarities in experience and outlook, I have come to see that there are differences. And being a Canadian with American and British friends, I’m finding that language can be one of those places where those differences pop up.

During one thread on our parenting forum, I mentioned that the girls were getting a new toboggan because the old one was too worn out from banging into trees. Some confusion ensued with Alissa, and when we finally figured out what was going on, we realized that while I was talking about this:


Alissa thought I was talking about this:


Big difference. Yes, the same word is used in Canada to mean sled and in parts of the U.S. (Kentucky, apparently is one) to mean a winter hat. Which we would call a tuque up here. Go figure.

This reminded me of another miscommunication that happened in Kentucky, funnily enough, back when I was in university. I was on a third-year geology field trip in Corbin, Kentucky to study sedimentary geological features. They’re kind of hard to study in Ontario, seeing as the last glaciation scraped most of them away, but there are some gorgeous sections to study down in Kentucky.

It was November, and starting to get chilly. We spent our day driving around in a bus, stopping along the highway to get out and look at the roadcuts. (Sedimentary rocks are arranged in layer-cake fashion, and the best place to look at the features is in a roadcut, where you are looking at a ‘slice’ through the rocks.) Just an aside here, Kentuckians must be the most friendly, helpful people I’ve ever met. Whenever drivers on the highway would see the bus pulled over and all of us out looking at the rocks, they would pull over and ask if we were OK and if we needed them to call us a tow truck.

At the end of the day we were chilled. I hadn’t packed a heavy enough jacket, thinking we were headed to the (almost) Deep South. We ended up at a restaurant after nightfall for dinner. We sat down and the waitress took our orders. I wanted to heat up fast, so I ordered a bowl of chili and tea, and then headed to the washroom to run some hot water over my icy hands, thinking of how hot and comforting the hot chili and tea would be, picturing steam coming out of the little steel teapot, the cup upside down next to it.

Imagine my surprise when I returned to the table to find that the waitress had already set my drink order on the table, and I was looking at a tall, frosty glass of iced tea. Iced tea! When the waitress came back, I apologised for the error, and told her that I had wanted a cup of tea, not a glass of iced tea. “Oh”, she said as she headed back to the kitchen, “you want hot tea.” Up here, ‘tea’ means a pot of steaming tea, and if you want it cold, you have to order iced tea. In Kentucky, it’s the exact opposite: ‘tea’ is iced tea, and if you want tea, you have to order ‘hot tea’. Weird, eh?

I guess that ‘eh’ is a giveaway that I’m Canadian. Though I don’t pronounce ‘about’ as ‘aboot’ as we are reputed to do. There are a few Canadian words or phrases that seem to confuse readers from other countries, so as a public service, I’ll use the rest of my time here on Alissa’s blog (and doesn’t she have the cutest accent?) to explain a few of the most questioned Canadianisms, in case you’ve ever wondered:

Loonie – A one-dollar coin with a picture of a loon on the tails side. We no longer have bills lower than five dollars.

Toonie – A two-dollar coin. Named because it’s worth two loonies.

Tim's, Timmie’s – Tim Horton's: a franchise of coffee shops selling the Canadian national food: the donut. Founded by Tim Horton, an National Hockey League player who played for almost 20 years for the Toronto Maple Leafs. They are everywhere in Canada.

Double double – When you’re at Timmie’s if you want your coffee with two cream and two sugar, you order a double double.

Pickerel – what American fishermen call Walleye

Eavestrough – I think it's called a gutter in the States, you know, the long things that are supposed to collect water from the roof and then send it down the rainspout, but all they really do is clog up with dead leaves?

Kraft dinner – Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, the main diet of the Canadian university student

Chesterfield – sofa or couch

Serviette – napkin

Poutine – a French-Canadian delicacy – french fries covered in a layer of fresh cheese curds and drenched in brown gravy

I guess only a Canadian would understand this, “Excuse me, could you please pass me a serviette? I spilled my poutine on the chesterfield.” Only now, you all (y’all) do too! :-)

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

According to Rachel: election edition

This morning, getting ready for school/work. Leah and Rachel are giggling over something in the living room.

Me: What's so funny?

Leah: Never mind. Just something Rae and I were talking about.

Rae: Yeah, you're a grownup, you wouldn't get it.

Me: Hey, now you've gone and got me interested. I want to know what you were talking about. [mock threateningly] Tell me now!

Rae: Sometimes you won't tell us why you're laughing at something. You say that it's "not appropriate". I think you're being a hypocrite.

Me [impressed and amused]: Wow, that's a pretty big word, and you're using it right. I guess you could say I'm being a hypocrite.

Rae: Yeah, you are. And let me tell you, hypocrittery isn't nice at all.

***

Sadly, with the federal election campaign now in full swing, I think we're going to be exposed to a whole lot of hypocrittery between now and May 2.

Monday, February 28, 2011

According to Rachel: Canal edition




Yesterday we went skating on the Canal to get a skate in before the promised freezing rain and snow that's taking place today. Bribed with the promise of Beavertails and hot apple cider, the girls happily skated the length of Dows Lake and we headed to the Beavertail stand and rest area to refuel and warm ourselves by the outdoor fireplace.

Satisfied, we headed down the Canal towards the Bank Street Bridge, with Leah helping her sister, who isn't as accomplished a skater as Leah is.

Leah: Don't go so near the edge where the snow is. The ice is really bumpy under there. And watch out for the cracks, you could trip if your skate blade catches in one.

Rachel [in a witheringly sarcastic voice]: Yah, I think I can figure that out. You don't have to be Albert Frankenstein to know *that*.

Friday, January 21, 2011

A good day

A school trip to the Parliament Buildings:


+


Skating on the Rideau Canal Skateway:



+


A fire in the fireplace:

+

Home-made pizza (can you tell which third of the pie was mine?):


+

A glass or two of Shiraz:

=


Thursday, March 04, 2010

O Canada, our home and home-like land

Among the many promises to balance the books and deal with the deficit in yesterday's throne speech by Governor General Michaelle Jean, one thing that raised eyebrows was the Conservatives' plan to ask Parliament "to examine the original gender-neutral English wording of the national anthem."

Let's see how that might be accomplished. Imagine, if you will, a grey committee room somewhere in a grey government office building where a couple of low-level functionaries are drafting a briefing note for Parliament.

"OK, let's get this done. Which line are we changing?"

"True patriot love in all thy sons command." It's sexist. No mention of women."

"Well, what are we changing it to? How about 'In all our kids command?' 'In all our people command'?"

"Apparently the original line from 1908 is 'True patriot love thou dost in us command'."

"Dost?? WTF is 'dost'?

"Ummm" [tapping furiously on laptop] "It's the archaic singular form of the present tense (indicative mood) of the the verb 'do'."

"Yeah, that's gonna fly. NOT."

[Sighs] "I know. But that's what they want. I guess we're done here."

"Heeeey, you know, if we make this change to make it more gender-neutral, you just know we're going to have to go back in later and make it more PC for other groups. Why don't we just be proactive, and..."

"I hate when you say 'proactive.' You're gonna start saying 'stakeholder' next, aren't you?"

"Shut up. Why don't we look at the rest of the lyrics and see if we can see any other trouble spots now? We can save time and put them all in this briefing note."

"Cool."

[Singing to himself] "'O Canada, our home and native land'...RED FLAG."

"Yeah, 'native'. Hmmmm. 'Our home and indigenous land'?"

"'Our home and aboriginal land'?"

"Or should we use 'First Nations'?"

"I don't think it's being used like that. I think it's 'native' like belonging to the land, you know, like native plants. People whose home Canada is."

"OK, how's this, 'O Canada, our home and home-like land'?"

"Now you're talking."

"K, next line's taken care of."

"I still think 'dost' sucks."

"Get over it. 'With glowing hearts, we see thee rise'. What do they mean by 'glowing hearts'?"

"I dunno, healthy hearts?"

"Is that going to be a problem? There are a lot of seniors with heart problems - number one killer of Canadians, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. Do we want to alienate the seniors? They vote. A lot."

"I see your point. We don't want to give the impression that only people with good undamaged hearts are patriotic. Even someone with a myocardial infarc can be a loyal Canadian."

"Yeah, and why single out the heart? I think other organs can be patriotic. God knows we need a strong Canadian liver to deal with all the beer we drink."

"Good, good....I've got it: 'With competent organs, we see thee rise'."

"Bazinga! That's genius! They don't have to have healthy organs, just competent ones, and if the organs aren't even competent, well, they're not around to be or not to be patriotic, and ergo, can't complain about the lyrics. You're good.....Wait, something's still off. 'We see thee rise'? That totally excludes the visually impaired."

"Damn, you're right. 'With competent organs, we perceive thee rise'? That takes in all the senses, right?

"Yep. Good work. Next: 'The true north strong and free.' Not all Canada is north. Windsor, Ontario is actually south of Detroit. I'm thinking we lose the southwestern Ontario vote if we leave 'north' in. They're the geographically-challenged Canadians.

"How do we get around that one?"

"'The true north (and areas to the south of north) strong and free.'?

"It's not going to fit in with the music."

"They'll have to sing faster."

"OK. Moving on: 'From far and wide, O Canada'...is 'wide' a problem? We're not being weightist are we?"

"Nope, it's the country that's wide.'

"That's a relief."

"'We stand on guard for thee'. Can you believe it? The Paralympics are about to start, and everyone will be singing the anthem that excludes people with physical disabilities. Not everyone can stand, you know."

"I know. I can't believe that one got past people for this long."

"Let's make this positive: 'We accomplish being on guard for thee'. It side-steps the whole 'standing' issue and stresses accomplishment. "

"I like it."

"What's next?"

"'God keep our land, glorious and free.' Hello? Separation of church and state, anyone?"

"Yeah, maybe we should take 'God' outta there. But what do we put in instead?"

"'Something keep our land, glorious and free,' it's PERFECT. That way, the atheists can argue that 'Something' is ourselves and our secular moral values, while religious Canadians can see that 'Something' represents their deity of choice. It's the perfect word. It has diversity and can mean something different to each singer. We've added diversity. It's a good thing."

"OK, Martha, let's bring this baby home. We reprise with 'O Canada we accomplish being on guard for thee'."

"Love. It. So, from the top:

'O Canada, our home and home-like land,
True patriot love, thou dost in us command.
With competent organs, we perceive thee rise,
The true north (and areas to the south of north) strong and free.
From far and wide, O Canada,
We accomplish being on guard for thee.
Something keep our land, glorious and free,
O Canada, we accomplish being on guard for thee.
O Canada, we accomplish being on guard for thee.'"

"Epic!"

"What's next?"

"The Lord's Prayer"

"Damn."

(Disclaimer (because, you know, I'm Canadian [and a low-level government functionary to boot]): This is just my tongue-in-cheek way of saying, "Please don't mess with the lyrics, they are fine the way they are now. People searching for evidence to judge how women are treated in Canadian society should look at Canadian society, at the Governor General and women in every walk of life, and in every conceivable job in the workplace, and in the provincial and federal legislatures, and not at one small word, 'sons', in the national anthem. Seriously. Get a grip, people.)

Monday, March 01, 2010

So. Proud.












Photos courtesy of Google. Extreme national pride courtesy of all the amazing Canadian athletes. Thank you.