Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The Dave Brown Traffic Report Drinking Game


My apologies to the  legions of  many six readers of this blog who live outside Ottawa, but this post will only make sense to people living in or around the nation's capital....if they listen to CBC Radio One on their way to work.

Drinking games are a long and honoured tradition.  From back at university when we'd watch Cheers and swig beer whenever anyone in the bar yelled "Norm!" to Facebook memes like this one:




I think we need a new one.

I have a radio crush on Dave Brown, who does the traffic reports for CBC Radio One in the mornings. Dave has fun with the traffic report.  I can't wait to hear the new ways he'll describe how traffic is moving. Or not, as the case may be.




So here it is:

The Dave Brown Traffic Report Drinking Game

Fill up your travel mug with a Timmie's double double, a Starbucks chai latte, a Bridgehead fair-trade Americano, or just the plain old coffee that comes out of your Procter-Silex, get in your car and get ready to play.  Turn your dial to 91.5 FM and make sure your mug is handy when the traffic report comes on.

Take a swig whenever he says:

- It's a tough sled on all the bridges.

- There's a collision on the go. (But really, Dave, we need to talk about this one -- it's an oxymoron.  When there's a collision, it's definitely on the stop.)

- And that's where the magic happens.

- 417 westbound is clogging up.

- Whenever he calls 'the Split' 'the Merge'.

- Eastbound 417 is packed to the gills.

- Keep your head on a swivel.

- Patience is a virtue. (while describing the bridges)

Take a large gulp whenever his prose gets extra-descriptive.  You know what I mean.  Examples of gulp-worthy lines:

- Highway 50 strikes a pose at Montée Paiement and vogues all the way down to la Vérendrye.

- The 417 westbound dashes from Boundary to Innes.

- Carling is all tangled up with pockets of congestion.

- The 174 is only a slight headache this morning, you'll only need one Advil or Tylenol.

- The 416 northbound is a tableau.  Not much go, but lots of stop.

- The 417 eastbound Usain Bolts out of Kanata.

- The 174 is in need of some flaxseed oil: it's backed up from Blair to the Split.

- Volume builds up through Kanata, reaches an apex at Bayshore, then deconstructs by Woodroffe.

- The 417 westbound is as thick as a bowl of chili coming up to Scotiabank Place.

- The Queensway stuffs up at Place d'Orleans, but you'll get relief by Innes.

- The 174 is in leather pants mode: tight as it approaches the Split.

You might need a bigger travel mug than usual.  I'm usually out of coffee before I get to Carling and Maitland. :)

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If this catches on, we might need a return-commute All in a Day drinking game.  Beverage of your choice.

Sip every time:

- Alan Neal says he's posting something to Twitter.

- Laurence Wall says 'People's Republic of Nepean'.

- Kate Macnamara says 'at the minute'.

You get the idea. :)

34 comments:

  1. I don't know anything about this radio program, but I get the sense that your coffee wouldn't last very long in this game.

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  2. Wouldn't it be more fun if you replace your hot beverage with a bottle of Jack Daniels?

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    1. More fun? Yes, probably. But if I did that, I'd have to listen to CBC in my living room rather than the car, which kind of defeats the whole commuting theme of the game.

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  3. I find it kind of strange that a post aimed at my Ottawa peeps has only garnered comments from Charlottesville, Virginia and New Zealand. But at least I know somebody's reading. :)

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  4. Hi Alison, this moring was quite entertaining with references to bears and mauling and cans of sardines open up into flaked tuna....he cracks me up...

    the "other" Alison

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    1. I know, right? He cracks me up too. I just wish he hadn't been on vacation when the sinkhole happened. That would have been epic.

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  5. I thought I listened to CBC a fair bit, but I'm not familiar with Dave Brown's traffic reports. Must be something to do with the whole not being gainfully employed thing. Maybe I SHOULD do it at home - you know, with my cooking sherry? :0

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    1. They're during Ottawa Morning, before The Current. Cooking sherry sounds like just the ticket though.

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  6. Awwww this made me miss Ottawa a lil' bit!

    Meanie

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    1. Awwww. We miss you too. It's Carp Fair this weekend, I'll think of you as I'm scarfing down the mini-donuts and watching the kids on the ferris wheel. :)

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  7. I always wonder if has has it all written out or if it is just off the cuff?

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    1. I don't know. He has his favourites that he uses often. I'm guessing he writes them down when the inspiration strikes. Maybe he'll read this post and let us know himself in the comments.

      When I got the idea for this post I would listen to the traffic reports while I was driving and then try to memorize the good lines by repeating them out loud a bunch of times so that I'd remember them in order to write them down when I got to the office. It was work, let me tell ya. :)

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  8. I know! I can never remember what he says! This morning he said that a road was "dreadlocked and staying tangled" I actually sent myself an email so I could remember it. This morning was a nightmare..an hour and 10 minutes from Stittsville to Hunt CLub and Riverside...grrrrrrrr.

    Enjoy the Carp fair, maybe I'll see you in the donut lineup!

    Alison

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    1. Hey, are you Stittsville Alison? Jen on the Edge's friend?

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    2. Yes I am Stittsville Alison or as I like to say "the other Alison in Ottawa" ;-)

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    3. I need a 'like' button for 'the other Alison in Ottawa'. :)

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  9. Hilarious! Way to get your CBC on!

    As much as I love Ottawa Morning, I sometimes find that Dave tries to hard and is starting to lose me. But every once and a while he has a nugget that is a smile-evoking gem.

    Cheers!

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    1. The traffic reports always make me smile.

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  10. I wish I could listen to Dave Brown, but alas I don't live in Ottawa.

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    1. That's too bad. :) Ottawa does have other things going for it too. I'm happy to live here. Where are you?

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  11. Bwhahaha, I love you Alison!

    I gotta admit, though, the phrase "Keep your head on a swivel" perplexes me every time he says it.

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    1. I'm not sure, but I think it means to keep looking around and be aware, rather than just staring ahead. Though it was the head swiveling that got me in my car accident a couple of weeks ago.

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  12. You forgot "visual distraction"! :D

    Thanks for the giggle!

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    1. Yes, 'visual distraction' I guess that's what you have to keep your head on a swivel to look out for. :)

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  13. Anonymous9:44 AM

    I can not stand his traffic reports, I find them annoying! He sounds like a raging tool.

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    1. Well, one person's radio crush is another person's raging tool, I guess. But really, posting mean things anonymously kinda puts you on the tool end of the spectrum, don't you think?

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  14. Haaa! Fab! I puffy heart Dave Brown. But you left out the bridges. The bridges are a guaranteed swigfest! Also, they lead to my house, which makes them special.

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    1. I *know*! Me too. I think the bridges might need their own post. I tend not to concentrate too hard on the bridge descriptions as I don't commute over them. Even though they do lead to your house. :)

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  15. Kristie9:02 PM

    Hahahahha this is AWESOME! "The 174 is in leather pants mode: tight as it approaches the Split." had us in stitches lol. I have not heard it but can totally hear him saying that lol. Love it and love his reports lol :)

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  16. So I came across this (albeit a little late) while looking for other fans of Dave Brown's reports - brilliant! Thank you for archiving his wonderful descriptions. Not to mention that other traffic reports are recorded and played throughout the morning (I don't think this is the case with Dave), and others I plain can't understand (I'm looking at you 1310 News; what exactly is a De la gap or a Dedavar?) Great post!

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  17. This is so amazing. I'm happy I'm not the only one who enjoys his traffic reports so damn much! I don't even drive and I love hearing them!

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  18. what about the rare "blue lobster" mornings...you know, the ones with no accidents. love dave brown's traffic reports!

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  19. Anonymous3:29 AM

    I am not the anonymous from above! Where did Dave Brown go to? Current guy has some interesting descriptions as well.

    I have another drinking game suggestion for you, well maybe two.

    The Rita Celli Drinking Game
    Drink a full tablespoon of castor oil every time she interrupts her guest or
    says I am going to have to hold you there or
    when a caller continues to babble on despite her yelling their name or
    anytime she talks about herself (Ditto Candy Palmater for extra fun!)

    And the how many were there? game
    Drink the largest slurpie available
    every time host or guest says "there was a large number of..." One can only describe a number quantitatively not qualitatively! Numbers are high or low.

    The Back to School Drinking Game
    Swig down a large glass of moo juice every time Lawrence Wall mispronounces the word 'primer' as 'primmer'

    The Street Name Drinking Game
    This one will not get you drunk so put some tasty liqueur in your coffee so you can savour it every time a new traffic reporter mispronounces the following streets:

    Jeanne D'Arc is not Jean
    Merivale is not Merryvale

    And last but not least

    The Do You know the way to Longueuil?

    Any time anyone garbles this word down a pint of Labatt's 50 or Molson Golden. Either one will do as they are the same beer.

    Cheers!

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