Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I'm so much cooler online, apparently*

A very good friend of mine told me something the other day, and I'd like to pass it on to you, 'cause I believe what she said to be true. No, I'm not channelling Trooper. Oh. Wait. I kind of am. But the important thing that she told me is this: email and merlot don't mix. (Friends don't let friends drink and email ex-husbands.) I'd like to extrapolate that for a moment and let you know that from first-hand experience, filling out online dating applications after a few drinks is not. a. very. good. idea.

Remember back when I first entertained the idea of online dating? Yeah, me too. Well Friday night after the girls were in bed, I decided to have a drink and play on the computer a bit. Check my Facebook, my mommy board, read some blogs...you know, the usual. Time passed and I had another drink. And another one. Round midnight, I decided that maybe I'd check out Plentyoffish.com. I pulled up the website, posted a pretty innocuous head and shoulders pic of me (in a coat and scarf) and started to fill out a profile. Rather honestly. Maybe too honestly (in vino veritas and all that). I was having a blast: Interests? Chocolate, Monty Python, politics, hockey, mystery novels, guys who have their own houses and friends and won't be in my face all the damn time, but who like to cuddle.... It was probably 1 a.m. when I was finished. Then I stumbled up to bed.

I woke up at 4 a.m. Suddenly wide awake. In a slight panic. Thinking: What Have I Done? Well, for one thing, I hadn't bothered to create an email address with my fake user name on Gmail or Yahoo or anything. Nooooo, I'd used my work email. Nice move, Alison. (If anyone's read Iain Banks' "Dead Air", what I felt was somewhat the same as what Ken felt when he realized on whose answering machine he'd left the long, boozy, sexy message.)

I got up right then, went down to the basement in my pajamas, fired up the computer and deleted my profile, 'cause I'm a big old chicken. And I don't want weird guys emailing me at work. But get this, in the 3 hours that I was shilling myself online, I got two bites.

One guy, "Tyler", who was 23 and "really into older women because he thought they were sooooo hott" [sic] and who also "adores and worships BBWs". Which I had to look up. Hmmm. Big Beautiful Women. OK, so I'm old *and* plus-sized. Thanks, Tyler.

The second was some heavily Christian guy who I think wanted to convert me. He wanted "a Christian lady to have Christian discourse with". Christian discourse?? I'm wondering if he meant Christian intercourse. (I guess that would be missionary position. Heh.) Thanks, but I'll pass.

Now some may say that the, ummm, quality of men surfing the dating sites between 1 and 4 a.m. might not be representative of the online dating community as a whole, but I think the whole thing just feels kind of icky. It's probably not for me. I think I'll try a single-parents' activity group first (Thanks, Nikki).

Or I could always just adopt a bunch more cats and start drinking sherry out of teacups. Yeah, that'd work.

*Apologies to Brad Paisley

15 comments:

  1. I'm sorry. I feel bad for laughing but the way you spun this was really funny. :)

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  2. LOL! Too funny Alison! 23, yikes, rob the cradle why don't ya!

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  3. Gosh...that is funny!

    Um, yeah, not so much the work email address. ;)

    Good luck in the other avenues.

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  4. yikes... you're not making me feel good about the prospects either! LOL... glad you took the online dating dip first.

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  5. Hmmm...discourse rhymes with, uh, well you know.

    I turn off the computer when I'm drinking. But perhaps you should consider the younger man and just envision the pool boy.

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  6. Okay, sorry but I'm laughing here! Now I don't know why you are putting down the 23 year old, haven't you referred to being a "cougar"?, LOL, jk! Mr. Right or Mr. Right now will show up at some point, never fear!

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  7. Natalie11:59 AM

    When I read "single-parents' activity group', what popped into my head was Hugh Grant in About a Boy, making up imaginary kids in order to meet single moms at the "Single Parents Alone Together" (SPAT) group...

    But he turned out all right in the end, didn't he? (Cut to Hugh Grant's voiceover at the end of the first SPAT meeting: "I'll tell you one thing. Men are bastards. After about ten minutes I wanted to cut my *own* penis off with a kitchen knife.")

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  8. my mom-in-law had a very unfortunate encounter with someone from plenty-o-fish (let's just say he didn't let her order dessert). won't be doing that again!

    and hey, i channelled whitesnake today!

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  9. Laughed uncontrollably while reading this and for that I am sorry.
    Alison, I will email you my phone number so that some Friday night we can drink together over the phone and we can get you set up "online" together.
    If nothing else, we'll find somewhere better than Plentyoffish........

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  10. Hey Alison, you can come over to my house for real and we'll both call Josie and drink and ferret out an eligible dude for you.

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  11. I'm sorry! I hope you have better luck soon.

    However your post completely cracked me up. That part of the Christian trying to convert? Hilarious!

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  12. Ah yes ... I don't recommend the online dating route. I can say it was a learning experience, but beyond that, a waste of time (maybe if the guy lived nearer, I could have weeded them out faster. Getting into a long-distance relationship when you are a single mum isn't too wise, I realise now, in retrospect, of course). Besides suddenly one is spending way too much sitting at a computer or on the telephone ... nope, wouldn't recommend it, but sometimes we need to experience things to know for ourselves.

    I'm much happier spending time in my garden or walking the dog or hanging out with my 15-yr.-old. There are definite advantages to being on one's own ... I learned how to play the violin, took watercolour classes and have made some new friends in the process.

    Bonne chance.

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  13. Sorry to laugh at your misfortune but that is too funny! Work email address...oops!!

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  14. you know what? if you get to the point where you're doing this a second (or third or more) time ... then you SHOULD be honest about what you like, what you look like, and what you want. Because why would you waste your time in a crappy relationship, just to be in a relationship? Know what I mean?

    ps ... I totally tagged you for a meme; hope you don't mind. It'll be up first thing in the morning. Feel free to ignore it, if you want. ;)

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