Thursday, May 03, 2007

Gardening for the arachnophobic

My back yard earlier today:

Shhhhhp. [sound of weeds being pulled]
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
[pause][sudden intake of breath][realization that crawly sensation on arm is just breeze ruffling arm hair][relieved sigh]
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
[pause][a more-panicky intake of breath and slight scream][realization that what was thought to be a spider was only part of a dead leaf][slight embarassed laugh and relieved sigh]
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHH!!!!! Fuck! It's on my arm!! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Oh my God where did it go? Where did it GO? It's up my SLEEVE! AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGH! CRAP! [wild flailing of arms and shoulder shrugging, like a volunteer in a nerve gas experiment] THERE IS A SPIDER UP MY SLEEVE! [attempts are made to take long-sleeved teeshirt off right there in the yard] Shit! Shit. Shit.

[small black thing falls out of sleeve]

Oh..... It's just a cricket. Well hello, Mr. Cricket. You gave me quite a scare. Run along now like a good six-legged bug.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
[delayed case of the willies, because it *could* have been a spider up the sleeve]
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Screw it. I'm going in for a beer.

7 comments:

  1. Oh. My. Goodness.

    You are too funny. Really. I can just picture the scene.

    I'm not scared of spiders. Or snakes. However, a slug can send me packing faster than anything...

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  2. LMAO! I'll take care of your spiders, or mice if they bother you too, but you (And everyone else on the planet) needs to protect me from snakes!

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  3. You have been watching ME garden. Haven't you!!?? ROFL that is so funny because that is so exactly me!!

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  4. It's only spiders I'm scared of. Mice? No problem, kind of cute actually, for vermin. Had a white mouse once called Edgar (albino mouse - Edgar Winter - get it?). Snakes? I'll protect you, Briana. I quite like snakes. Slugs (slugs?), Alissa? Why they're just escargots without the garlic butter. No problems there. Centipedes? Millipedes? Icky, but not scary. But no spiders please.

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  5. I used to be so scared of spiders too. I actually called my brother one time to come over to my house and kill a spider. For some reason now they don't bug me, though. Maybe because I have to be the brave mommy and kill them for the kids.

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  6. Shudder. I hate spiders with a pasion.

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  7. Spiders yucky horrid crawly things. I could feel the hairs rising up on my arms as I was laughing.

    It must be that hereditary thingy - I can only hope there is no-one watching me in the same situation when I garden - practicing a new dance maybe, or thinking I am taking a fit of some kind. [hopefully they won't dial 911]

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