OK, so I'm not one of those deluded people who think that I'm actually married to Dave Letterman and shadowy conspiracies are forcing us to keep it a secret, nor do I think that George Clooney is in love with me and sending secret messages to that effect through his choices of movie roles (although I'd be totally alright with that if it was happening). But sometimes I find that a line of dialogue in a movie or the lyric of a song on the radio has a resonance in my life that seems beyond mere coincidence.
Like when I was driving to work a few months ago, and Bon Jovi came on the radio, singing "Have a Nice Day". I'd been thinking, as I drove, about the positive things about being on my own -- making my own choices, not having to run things past anyone before making decisions, not having to do things anymore because someone else expected me to do them -- and then I heard "I ain't gonna do what I don't want to, I'm going to live my life", and I thought "YEAH. THAT'S IT!". That was exactly it. I don't have to do anything anymore that I don't want to do, and I'm not going to. I get to live my life my way now.
I've tried over the last year and a half to get along with my ex. My parents are divorced and have a great relationship, and I was trying to recreate that for the sake of my girls. It has not gone well. He does things that make me believe he's still trying to control my life even though he's not in it anymore. And my dislike of confrontation and my long history of trying to placate him aren't helping things. So, yesterday I was watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy (I received Season 2 on DVD for Christmas) and it was the one after George and Meredith slept together. George was feeling all sorry for himself, and Cristina stopped him dead by saying: "If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, then stop accepting crap and demand something more." And I swear, the heavens opened and a shaft of light burst through the window and illuminated the TV. Well, not really, but it was a strange little epiphany nonetheless. It's nothing that my friends haven't been telling me for ages, but it seemed somehow that she was speaking to me. And finally I'm ready to listen.
So that's my New Year's resolution. I deserve more. I deserve to be treated with respect. I am not going to accept crappy behaviour from anyone anymore. Not ex-husbands, not guys who say they'll call and don't, not friends who take advantage. It's going to be hard, because I'm not assertive by nature, but I'm going to do it. Long live the revolution.