Friday, April 08, 2011

Dear Kraft,

This blog post first appeared at Jen on the Edge in February 2009, when I guest posted for Jen while she moved. I'm posting it here now because I have no idea what to blog about these days some of you might have missed it.


We all know that Jen is organized. Beyond organized, really. She arranged for guest bloggers during her move to the new house, she mentioned in a recent posting that she has all her bills and things arranged in expanding file folders filed by month, and I have a sneaking suspicion that if you looked underneath her Precious, you would find that each cushion is labelled so that, in case of catastrophe, she could put it back together again if she had to.


Me? Not so much. I try, I really do, but it’s hard. One thing that I’ve found that helps is What’s Cooking magazine from Kraft Canada. It arrives in my mailbox every couple of weeks, and there are always a couple of decent recipes in it. (All the recipes that will be mentioned from here on in can be found here. I won’t be linking to each one because I’m lazy I’m disorganized I don’t want to.)


Bruschetta Chicken Bake was pretty good. The Sky-High Brunch Bake kind of rocked. And the Oreo and Fudge Ice Cream Cake impressed the pants off some visitors from out of town. (Well, not literally.)


But, you know, after a while a lot of the recipes start looking the same. I realize that the magazine and the website are promotional vehicles for Kraft Canada, but seriously, how many things can you make using Zesty Italian Dressing? 343. I checked. Stove Top Stuffing? 207. Philadelphia Cream Cheese? A whopping 768! Cream cheese and Italian dressing? 23. Dressing and stuffing? 15. Cream cheese and stuffing? 30. Nothing hit the trifecta by using all 3 ingredients though, which is probably a good thing, because stuffing, dressing and cream cheese together? Ew. But, I digress.


I got to thinking that at some point they will hit the saturation point for recipes. There area only so many combinations that they will be able formulate. So, what then? And it hit me. A new marketing ploy for Kraft. (Note to Kraft: feel free to shower me with money for coming up with these ideas. No, really. Feel free.)


Introducing the Kraft Beauty Products website:


Philadelphia Cream Cheese Instant Deep Wrinkle Filler


Our rich and creamy Philadelphia Cream Cheese is the ideal ingredient in a decadent cheesecake, a savoury entrée, or to reverse the signs of aging! Our ultra-concentrated cheese formula will give you immediate, visible results. This fast-acting treatment instantly fills wrinkles, reduces the appearance of fine lines and crow's feet and plumps up those deep creases between your eyebrows and around the lips.


Zesty Italian Dressing Exfoliating Scrub


Why not give your skin a peachy glow while you marinate those steaks for dinner? Pour ½ cup of Zesty Italian Dressing over steaks, cover and put in the fridge. Then gently massage ¼ cup of dressing into your face. Feel the finely chopped garlic, onions and red pepper gently loosening dead skin to reveal a new glow! The canola oil base moisturizes, while the lemon juice refreshes.


And if that’s not enough, Kraft and Home Depot team up to bring you:


The Kraft Home Improvement website, DIY tips


Drafts keeping you cold? They don’t have to. Simply fill a caulking gun or cake-decorating bag with Philadelphia Cream Cheese and pipe a smooth bead of cheese along the edges of your windows. And pesto! The drafts are a thing of the past.


Oh oh. The guests are arriving and you’re out of clean kitty litter! Don’t worry, Stove Top Stuffing has twice the absorbent capacity of most brands of kitty litter on the market today. Fill the litter box to a depth of 3 inches with the bread cubes, and sprinkle with the flavour packet so that every time Fluffy visits the loo, she’ll release the fresh scent of chicken and sage.


I’m thinking this could work. You see, my fridge and pantry would also be acting as my tool box and make-up drawer. And that’s what I call being organized.

3 comments:

  1. I was just thinking about this post the other day (probably as I was marinating chicken breasts in kraft dressing). One of my favourites of all time.

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  2. That would take organization to a whole new and scary level.

    - Jazz

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  3. Anonymous8:32 AM

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