Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Little Miss Muffet redux, now with extra snot

Man, I'm just hittin' them out of the park with my titles lately, aren't I?

Well, here's the scoop. I apparently spit in the Universe's eye last week when I was bragging about making it all the way through the fall and winter without a single cold. Sure, we danced a bit with a gastro flu once or twice in the household, but no pain-in-the-ass, drippy, sneezy, coughy colds. The Universe has a wicked sense of humour, though. It bided Its time and let me make it just past the vernal equinox and into spring before unleashing the mother of all head colds on my unsuspecting body. I'm thinking of redoing the occupation portion of my business cards to read "mucus factory". The one bright spot (and I really hope I'm not jinxing us yet again) is that the girls are showing no signs of this plague.

So, since my head is full of what feels like bricks and, well, snot, I'm incapable of coherent writing and will once again reach into the archives for a previously viewed post. And seeing how well snakes went down, this one's about spiders. I'm *not* a fan.

Gardening for the arachnophobic

My back yard earlier today:

Shhhhhp. [sound of weeds being pulled]
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.[pause][sudden intake of breath][realization that crawly sensation on arm is just breeze ruffling arm hair][relieved sigh]
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.[pause][a more-panicky intake of breath and slight scream][realization that what was thought to be a spider was only part of a dead leaf][slight embarassed laugh and relieved sigh]
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHH!!!!! Fuck! It's on my arm!! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Oh my God where did it go? Where did it GO? It's up my SLEEVE! AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGH! CRAP! [wild flailing of arms and shoulder shrugging, like a test subject in a nerve gas experiment] THERE IS A SPIDER UP MY SLEEVE! [attempts are made to take long-sleeved teeshirt off right there in the yard] Shit! Shit. Shit.

[small black thing falls out of sleeve]

Oh..... It's just a cricket. Well hello, Mr. Cricket. You gave me quite a scare. Run along now like a good six-legged bug.

Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
[delayed case of the willies, because it *could* have been a spider up the sleeve]
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhp.
Shhhhp.
Shhhhp.
Screw it. I'm going in for a beer.

9 comments:

  1. I hate spiders. Not as much as I *big stabby hate* snakes, but it's not too far off.

    *shudder*

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  2. I'm afraid the cricket would have done it for me, too!

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  3. I'll tell you what I've told everyone with a cold this season: SALINE. Oh ya, flush your nasal passages several times a day with one of those saline solutions you can buy at the drug store and I guarantee your snotty mucusy mess will clear up lickity split (perhaps "lickity" is a poor choice of words in this instance) But anyway. Go get some. Thank me later.

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  4. hahahaha... damn, bugs IN the clothing is one of my biggest fears. But I hold it inside, like the quiet demure, understated person that I am.

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  5. Did you know about this> Sounds like a great program, although it won't fix the bug problem...http://ottawa.ca/residents/healthy_lawns/forestry/tree_program/plant/index_en.html

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  6. feel better. get some buckleys

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  7. Snort. This is funny because it is *so* me in the garden. Except I'd be screaming in fear over the cricket, too. And the ants. And don't even GET me started on the grasshoppers.

    Actual conversation between me and husband last night:

    Me (a propos of nothing): I'm thinking about trying to grow some indoor vegetables. What do you think?

    Beloved (without removing eyes from Survivor): There'd still be bugs.

    Me: Oh. Never mind then.

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  8. Firstly, you found your garden already! Hell I'm selling the house to move closer to your end of the universe.

    Secondly (and lastly), I swear by the PharmaPlus no-name version of their cold and flu day and night. Gawds bless those little pink and blue pills! You may still be sick, but man, take these babies at the first sign of, and you'll be humming a different tune!

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  9. That's why I stopped, or my hus asked me to stop, gardening, too much screaming!

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