Friday, March 20, 2009

Facebook thinks I'm fat and lonely

Facebook thinks I should take a good long look at myself in the mirror.

I am apparently not achieving my full potential. It's obvious from the steady stream of gently nudging ads that appears on my profile page. I have no doubt that Facebook has only my best interests at heart, and truly wants me to be a better person. A thinner, less wrinkly, and happily shacked-up in-a-relationship-with-my-soulmate person. (A short digression, Facebook: glass houses and stones. Your new layout really sucks leaves a lot to be desired. Epic fail. Seriously. You need to change the format back. Do it for yourself, if not for your members.)

But let me count my shortfalls according to this Dr. Phil wannabe social networking phenomenon, as manifested through the ads:

  1. Compatible Single Men! - lonely
  2. The Dr. Bernstein diet - fat
  3. Are you 45? Win a Wii Fit! - old and out of shape, possibly fat
  4. Ottawa Singles Events - lonely
  5. Meet men over 40! - lonely, and only attractive to fellow oldies
  6. Fine wines at the LCBO - Well, OK, Facebook, you got me there.
  7. It's better than Botox! - wrinkly
  8. Lose weight with Acai berries, Hollywood's secret! - fat, and easily swayed by celebrity
  9. Date a millionaire! Meet single, verified Canadian millionaire men who want to date classy women! - lonely and shallow/gold-digging. And easily flattered due to my desire to believe in my own innate 'classiness'.
  10. Amazing anti-aging cream: Why does Celine Dion look so much younger than she is? - (I don't know, maybe she sang at the devil until he couldn't take it anymore and gave her a portrait for her attic?) - old, with a side of wrinkly
Yeah. Then why am I in such a good mood seeing as I'm obviously totally pathetic?

Status: Alison is logging off Facebook and getting a glass of wine.


  1. Anonymous6:27 PM

    You're feeling good because you know you're so superior to all their sleazy come-ons. You're above it all!! And you already have wine!!

  2. XUP - Wine, and self confidence, you don't need anything else.

  3. Lately, I've been getting a lot of Jennifer Anniston smoking. Apparently it's a trick to staying young -- or I reckon you don't get old, you just die a slow painful death from lung cancer.

  4. I must be oblivious because I totally ignore those ads.

    Also, I truly *big*stabby*hate* the new Facebook.

  5. Okay, I'm feeling better about my failure to hook up to the Facebook phenomenon! (I don't have the self-confidence and am not allowed the wine at the moment, so Facebook would clearly be too dangerous for me)

  6. i hate the acai berry add that looks like a bright red pile of poo. its gross.

    i hate the new layout. its so cramped.

  7. Don't worry Alison, Facebook has identified me as old and fat as well, what can you do? Wine is a good choice I think :) And I too "hate" the new Facebook layout.

  8. agh. I can see that this can be frustrating. I agree wine and self confidence is all you need.

  9. ivyy981:16 AM

    Myspace thinks the same way as facebook....