Tuesday, July 07, 2009

These aren't the droids you're looking for

I know what I want to be when I grow up: a Jedi knight.

Seriously, what's not to like? A cool lightsaber; a choice of flattering garments, from brown robes to more form-fitting white leggings and a tunic; totally awesome martial arts skills; and the ability to use telekinesis to bring things flying to you from across the room -- like the aforementioned lightsaber -- or, more practically, a new roll of toilet paper when you really, really need one.

But the best thing, the coolest talent that I'd have, is the Jedi mind trick, the ability to use the Force to influence the minds of others, just like Obi-wan:

I could use it on my daughters at home, so I could have more time for blogging, reading and sitting on my ass doing nothing gardening:

I could use it at work, to decrease the stress of my heavy workload:

If it works on customer service drones over the phone, I could use it to effect a positive cash-flow situation in the family budget:

Hell, I could use it on everyone in the whole wide world!!!!

Sigh. I guess even the Force has some limits.

But the ultimate use of the Jedi mind trick, the Holy Grail of mind control, would obviously be this:

May the Force be with me.


  1. I love how you use your powers for evil purposes.

  2. Anonymous3:14 PM

    Ummmmm forgetting one???

    as a father of a girl - my very, very first one would be;

    Your hands - my daughter - will never meet.......

  3. hahahaha... I love it.

  4. Jen - I guess this means I'd be rocking the Dark side of the Force.

    Elliot - I think you're being a bit too vague. If it was my younger daughter, I might say 'your hands will never meet the inside of your nose', because she's prone to pick. Is that what you mean?

    Nat - Thanks!

  5. Anonymous5:44 PM

    You're hilarious, Alison. Beneath that sassy blond public service exterior beats the heart of a goofball.

  6. Anonymous5:44 PM

    Seriously. This is priceless

  7. XUP - Thank you. High praise indeed. I *am* kind of goofy. Other women may be intriguing, or mysterious, or dramatic, but I have to play to my strengths: goofballness.

  8. I also wanted to be a Jedi Knight when I grew up (I'm still hoping).

    I don't think I ever realized the amazing raw power available to me, though.

    You are a brilliant mastermind. Consider me along for the ride the next time you are plotting something!

  9. I no nothing about being a Jedi but i know funny. And you are it. Good post!

  10. You hit it out of the park once again. I apologize for not giving you proper credit this morning (my husband and I were lying in bed and we heard the kids start making sounds about needing Daddy for something -- because I have them trained well -- and he was musing on how to escape getting up and I said "this is not the father you're looking for" and my husband -- who never laughs at my jokes -- almost fell out of bed laughing).

  11. If only that force could make me younger. Or just younger looking.

  12. Krista4:17 PM

    Hilarious... I had a good belly laugh