Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Treadmills are Evil


I have a question for you.

Suppose, just for the sake of discussion, that you started an exercise program at the YMCA/YWCA in your community.  And you designed a twice-a-week workout consisting of about a half hour of very fast walking on a treadmill followed by an hour of weights.

And suppose on a Monday evening, you were on a treadmill, very busy talking to your friend on the next treadmill, and somehow lost your footing, causing you to flail around like the subject in a nerve-gas experiment, and, instead of jumping off, you inexplicably tried to climb back on with your left foot while your right foot was on the floor, leading to a very ungainly galloping motion which quickly ended in an epic faceplant onto the moving belt which then shot you off the back of the machine until you stopped with your shoulder still touching the belt which then proceeded to sand off a couple of layers of skin.

And suppose that you went to work on the Tuesday morning wearing a sleeveless dress because a) it was hot out, and b) you didn't want anything touching your ouchy, oozing shoulder, shining under a thin layer of Polysporin.

And suppose your co-workers exclaimed in horror at your bruised and road-burned shoulder and asked you how it happened, what would you say?

1. Bar fight.

2. Motorcycle accident.

3. Saving baby from house fire and being hit by collapsing, flaming beam that hurtled down from the ceiling as you choked on smoke, scanned the blazing room, and managed to scoop up both the wailing baby and an unconscious kitten before staggering outside into the front yard lit by the strobing red lights of fire trucks and collapsing from smoke inhalation.

4. The lame, lame truth: That you were unco-ordinated enough to fall off a treadmill.  And probably shouldn't be allowed unsupervised around gym equipment, any vehicle with a combustion engine, or high-heeled shoes.

What would I say, if this far-fetched scenario were to happen to me?

Well, I'd go with Number 1 when greeting the other attendees at a meeting, and grudgingly admit to Number 4 when faced with non-believing stares.  You know, in the unlikely event that anything like that were ever to happen to me. 

Just for the sake of discussion.

16 comments:

  1. Totally option 3. Until they checked the news. My sister fell off her nordic track the first time she tried it.

    In the unlikely event that anything like that happens to you, I hope your shoulder feels better quickly :-)

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    1. Thanks Cassi. If that were to happen to me, I would be very appreciative of the well wishes.

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  2. #5: Hunting Bigfoot.

    Unfortunately found Bigfoot.

    Took this photo right before the attack (show blurry picture of rag mop propped up against a tree)

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    1. Sheer genius! I will totally use that excuse if such an unlikely event happens to me.

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  3. Halting the zombie apocalypse in its tracks. Then say "you're welcome. And tasty-looking".

    Duh.

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    1. I really need you and Maven to write my lines for me. Really. How could I have not thought of the Zombie Apocalypse?

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  4. If that were to happen to you, I would say, "OUCH!" and that I hope you are feeling better. But since it didn't happen to you, I'll help you feel smug about your superior coordination, which I do not possess: I once fell off a dreadmill THREE TIMES within one minute of stepping on.

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    1. Ah yes. My superior co-ordination. I am a very graceful person. I don't remind people AT ALL of a drunken moose with an inner-ear problem. Nope, not at all.

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  5. Totally go with the baby option.

    And then take some time to ponder the age old adage:

    "If at first you don't succeed, then maybe skydiving isn't for you."

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    1. PS Hope you feel better :)

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    2. Note to self. No skydiving. Check.

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  6. Replies
    1. If it was the NSA, then they've probably also got copies of the emails I wrote describing the incident, and cctv footage from secret cameras hidden in the drinks dispenser.

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  7. This has happened to me. I sort of got unofficially banned from the treadmills at my gym. My left foot doesn't always pick up high enough to clear, and I trip. Plus I get distracted easily, and forget to pay attention to my form.

    I feel your pain . . . and I vote for bar fight!

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    1. I'm glad I'm not the only one, but sorry that it's happened to you too.

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  8. So the NSA might jump to Excuse #1.

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