An open letter to Carp Fair-goers

Dear Carp Fair-goers,

Yes, it's Carp Fair time again. That one weekend out of the year that you all drive out here to ride the rides on the Midway; see the farm animals and watch the heavy horses (damn, now I have that Jethro Tull song stuck in my mind); pay outrageous prices for drinks, fries, and cotton candy; and watch old rock acts in the beer tent. It's fun, I agree.

But see, here's the thing: I live here. I live in Carp 365 days a year, including the 3 or 4 days of the fair. So I'd like to just throw an idea out there for you. It's nothing revolutionary, really: Please be considerate of the people who live in the area where you park your car.

There, that wasn't so shocking, was it?

• Please don't park on my lawn. The street beside my house is wide enough so that you can park your whole car on the roadway and it won't be in danger of being hit by passing cars. It's really hard to mow those tire ruts you leave on the edge of my lawn. So please don't get all snarly and rude when I ask you to move your car so that it's entirely on the roadway.
• Take your little ones to the bathroom before leaving the fair. They have some quite nice bathroom facilities there, I've used them myself. Please don't wait til you get back to your car and then let your child relieve himself on my lawn.
• If you're one of the people who like to stay late at the fair, good for you. Party on, dude. I have 2 little girls who will be in bed by that time of night. If you have to have a drunken argument, or fist-fight, or break up with your girlfriend, could you do it before you leave the fairgrounds rather than doing it loudly in front of my house at 2 a.m.?
• Please don't leave any of the following on my front lawn (and these, I'm pretty sure, are from the people addressed in the above bullet point): empty beer bottles, empty pop cans, empty cigarette packs, a bra (I kid you not - it was pink), and vomit.
• Could you do me a favour and leave the little reflective green sign with my street number on it where it is? It belongs on my lawn so that the fire truck or ambulance can find my place in case of an emergency. It can't perform that function if it's been pulled up and thrown in my neighbour's ditch.

Thanks. Now have a good time. All-you-can-ride bracelet day at the Midway is Friday this year.